Sunday, June 6, 2010

Collapsing at Your Doorstep

I seem to be in constant need of something to do. Something to work towards, progress, learn, or create. I can't just relax. It seems almost impossible. Even when I am consciously relaxing there tends to be this voice in the back of my mind telling me that I'm wasting my time and that there must be something constructive to be doing at this moment. Even after I've spent all week working relatively constantly, the weekend is often not something to look forward to but to dread the feeling that I am temporarily useless- stalled and blocked from the forward progress that happens during the week. Perhaps I am just realizing how very much there is to learn if I am going to ever have a chance at being successful 'managing' a farm. I have already had my head crammed full of more information than I can process over the past four days, but I am addicted. I want more. Now. I wish that I could sustain an epic level of concentration, forward movement and momentum. But we are only human. And we were not meant to do such things. We would forget our humility. And perhaps some of the more important things in life. Contentment. is. a. bitch to attain. I am finally at a place where I know that what I am in the process of doing is exactly what I want to be in the process of doing. But there are holes and lulls in this movement, and my impatience hates them. The speed at which I can learn and comprehend is not fast enough for my greed of mastery. And yet Gardening takes time. You cannot speed up the growing of a plant to fit your desire of when to harvest it. It is not up to you. So much is not up to you, child. Let go. Your grip is hurting your fingers and my hands are so much stronger. let. go.

Thursday, May 21, 2009 why not, let's forgive EVERYONE, EVERYWHERE, EVERYTHING, ALL THE TIME

It's always beens awhile since I wrote in this thing. Every time, it's beens awhile. 
I had the best time ever in Nashville. It was absolutely wonderful and was a greater blessing than I could have thought possible. Then I came back up here, to where I am this very moment, in Michigan at my parent's house. My mother's day present was me. Selfish, I know, yet appreciated (but why?) very much. Tomorrow, early, earlier than I believe exists, in fact, I'll be leaving to go to L'Abri in Mass. where my sister so eloquently dwells for the summer. (Whether or not you can, indeed, 'dwell eloquently' is still up for debate. But at this point in the discussion, it stands). I'll be there a whole 10 days. I thought that maybe 8 months was my semi-nomadic time limit for staying in one place (Cleona, anyone? w00t woot! no? yeah ok, nevermind.), But apparently, now I have trouble staying anywhere more than 2 weeks. Iownevncurr. Word.  mewithoutYou's new album weirded me out and then took over my soul. Go buy it.  After L'Abri, I don't know what I'm doing.  Maybe I'll come visit you. (yes, of course you, silly. it's meant directly AT you, everyone.)  It's more likely than you think.

everyone else, you're everyone else, you're everyone else, you're everyone else, you're everyone else amen.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Designer Skyline/ Rainbow Veins

This week has been a week of changes. And it's only Wednesday/Thursday, depending on how picky you are about that sort of thing.  

The band is falling apart, and that is surprisingly very okay with me. 

I quit my job tonight. Tomorrow is my last day. 
Despite the immediate and annoying question of "what the heck am I going to do for money, now?" Now, I feel very strangely calm, collected and ready for whatever the next adventure in my life is.  Changes come. Welcome.

I'm probably moving back to Michigan, the very state I foreswore to leave forever some 4 years ago... Never make promises, I guess.

I am hopefully going to become the vocalist for a very promising band from Detroit whom shall remain nameless (until it is official, for either good or bad). I'm excited at this possibility. It's not what I've been doing, and I think it could be extremely refreshing.

I have this strange new zest for life that I think is related to my addiction to change and a nomadic lifestyle as well as the fact that,

I am allowing my heart to feel warm again.

Now go listen to Owl City. The boy is a genius of the finest variety. 

Monday, April 20, 2009


Is the best medicine. I've been feeling kindof stressed the last few days. I saw this picture and couldn't stop laughing. It's amazing how laughter shakes weights off of you you didn't know you were carrying. I hope it at least makes you smile :)

Thursday, April 16, 2009

I'm Tired of Whining

It really does get you nowhere, and I'm pretty sure it actually decreases the chances that you'll do anything about whatever it is that you happen to be whining about.  Sadly, I'm not talking about someone at work (that would be whining, too). I'm talking about me. 
I complain too much. I am ungrateful too much. I take things for granted way too much. 
And I don't want to anymore.
It's time to be thankful each and everyday. It's time to realize that I am blessed beyond belief: That I am beloved, that I am lucky to be the child of a G-D who is 'especially fond of me' and whose love I am incapable of comprehending. 

I just finished reading 'The Shack". My dad is teaching a sunday school class on it back at our church in Michigan, and he and my mom have been bugging me t
o read it for about a month now, so when he handed me a free copy for my own while I was
 home for Easter weekend, I finally caved in. I'm very glad I did. It took a little while to get in to, but it has been a long time since I have read a more refreshing view of G-D and our relationship with Him and each other. It really hit me in a way that a book hasn't in awhile. I would even say I was blessed to have read it. I highly recommend it. Allow it to make you a lover again. 

I just want to be a lover. 
I really want to be a part of a community again. Of lovers of course. 
I miss all of you.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Frustration, Determination, Inspiration, Motivation, etc

Hey Everyone,
   I realized I've been on kind of a hiatus from blogging the last couple months.  I apologize.  I guess I've just been busy with a lot of different other distractions and never felt like taking the time to write out my thoughts.
 A Lot has happened since my last update- here's a quick recap...

With Walking Trees:
Found a bassist, a lead, and a rhythm guitarist for the lineup!  ...Still looking for drums.
Finished recording our five song debut EP titled 'Like a Feather, Like a Fox'. (You can check it out here.)
Album artwork is almost finished for the album and it is 'in process' to be on iTunes, Amazonmp3 and many other digital distributors!

Still working at Beni's pizza and living in Cleona, PA.
My parents came to visit last week and it was good to see them. My mom cooked lots of wonderful food.
Although they are 'supportive' of my musical pursuits, I can tell that they have a largeamount of doubt about them, especially due to my 'genre of choice'.
I bought a rat.  Her name is Quin, and she's awesome.

So, things are coming along, but much too slowly for my liking. As usual. My bassist has been gone for the past couple weeks, as well as my lead guitarist which has been exceptionally frustrating. My rhythm guitarist is in Michigan until late May and we don't have a drummer. I spend a lot of my time sitting around wishing I was able to be practicing and writing new material with the other guys, auditioning drummers etc but it just hasn't been coming together as I wish it would.  

I want so badly to be giving this my everything, and it's very frustrating to not be able to... yet. I often lose hope in the whole thing, and for brief moments think that I should go back to college or just give up music all together.  Then I am inspired by something to keep going, and this reinforces my motivation.  I love making music. I love performing it.  I love traveling. This is my dream and I am not giving it up.  I seriously cannot wait to be dirty and hungry and cramped in a van with a bunch of sweaty dudes driving all over the country to play shows to people that have probably never heard of us. 

It's kind of like finally having all the ingredients to a delicious cake, but knowing that you still have to mix it and then wait for it to cook... and in this case that process is going to take WAY TOO LONG.  I want to have my cake and eat it too. Right now. ;) Lord give me patience.

Sunday, January 25, 2009


I feel very alone right now.