Collapsing at Your Doorstep

I seem to be in constant need of something to do. Something to work towards, progress, learn, or create. I can't just relax. It seems almost impossible. Even when I am consciously relaxing there tends to be this voice in the back of my mind telling me that I'm wasting my time and that there must be something constructive to be doing at this moment. Even after I've spent all week working relatively constantly, the weekend is often not something to look forward to but to dread the feeling that I am temporarily useless- stalled and blocked from the forward progress that happens during the week. Perhaps I am just realizing how very much there is to learn if I am going to ever have a chance at being successful 'managing' a farm. I have already had my head crammed full of more information than I can process over the past four days, but I am addicted. I want more. Now. I wish that I could sustain an epic level of concentration, forward movement and momentum. But we are only human. And we were not meant to do such things. We would forget our humility. And perhaps some of the more important things in life. Contentment. is. a. bitch to attain. I am finally at a place where I know that what I am in the process of doing is exactly what I want to be in the process of doing. But there are holes and lulls in this movement, and my impatience hates them. The speed at which I can learn and comprehend is not fast enough for my greed of mastery. And yet Gardening takes time. You cannot speed up the growing of a plant to fit your desire of when to harvest it. It is not up to you. So much is not up to you, child. Let go. Your grip is hurting your fingers and my hands are so much stronger. let. go.