EverythingIs Everything.

Collapsing at Your Doorstep

2010-06-06T20:44:00.003-04:00

I seem to be in constant need of something to do. Something to work towards, progress, learn, or create. I can't just relax. It seems almost impossible. Even when I am consciously relaxing there tends to be this voice in the back of my mind telling me that I'm wasting my time and that there must be something constructive to be doing at this moment. Even after I've spent all week working relatively constantly, the weekend is often not something to look forward to but to dread the feeling that I am temporarily useless- stalled and blocked from the forward progress that happens during the week. Perhaps I am just realizing how very much there is to learn if I am going to ever have a chance at being successful 'managing' a farm. I have already had my head crammed full of more information than I can process over the past four days, but I am addicted. I want more. Now. I wish that I could sustain an epic level of concentration, forward movement and momentum. But we are only human. And we were not meant to do such things. We would forget our humility. And perhaps some of the more important things in life. Contentment. is. a. bitch to attain. I am finally at a place where I know that what I am in the process of doing is exactly what I want to be in the process of doing. But there are holes and lulls in this movement, and my impatience hates them. The speed at which I can learn and comprehend is not fast enough for my greed of mastery. And yet Gardening takes time. You cannot speed up the growing of a plant to fit your desire of when to harvest it. It is not up to you. So much is not up to you, child. Let go. Your grip is hurting your fingers and my hands are so much stronger. let. go.

...so why not, let's forgive EVERYONE, EVERYWHERE, EVERYTHING, ALL THE TIME

2009-05-21T18:17:00.003-04:00

It's always beens awhile since I wrote in this thing. Every time, it's beens awhile.

I had the best time ever in Nashville. It was absolutely wonderful and was a greater blessing than I could have thought possible. Then I came back up here, to where I am this very moment, in Michigan at my parent's house. My mother's day present was me. Selfish, I know, yet appreciated (but why?) very much. Tomorrow, early, earlier than I believe exists, in fact, I'll be leaving to go to L'Abri in Mass. where my sister so eloquently dwells for the summer. (Whether or not you can, indeed, 'dwell eloquently' is still up for debate. But at this point in the discussion, it stands). I'll be there a whole 10 days. I thought that maybe 8 months was my semi-nomadic time limit for staying in one place (Cleona, anyone? w00t woot! no? yeah ok, nevermind.), But apparently, now I have trouble staying anywhere more than 2 weeks. Iownevncurr. Word. mewithoutYou's new album weirded me out and then took over my soul. Go buy it. After L'Abri, I don't know what I'm doing. Maybe I'll come visit you. (yes, of course you, silly. it's meant directly AT you, everyone.) It's more likely than you think.

be.

cause.

you're.

everyone else, you're everyone else, you're everyone else, you're everyone else, you're everyone else amen.

Designer Skyline/ Rainbow Veins

2009-04-23T00:18:00.003-04:00

This week has been a week of changes. And it's only Wednesday/Thursday, depending on how picky you are about that sort of thing.

The band is falling apart, and that is surprisingly very okay with me.

I quit my job tonight. Tomorrow is my last day.

Despite the immediate and annoying question of "what the heck am I going to do for money, now?" Now, I feel very strangely calm, collected and ready for whatever the next adventure in my life is. Changes come. Welcome.

I'm probably moving back to Michigan, the very state I foreswore to leave forever some 4 years ago... Never make promises, I guess.

I am hopefully going to become the vocalist for a very promising band from Detroit whom shall remain nameless (until it is official, for either good or bad). I'm excited at this possibility. It's not what I've been doing, and I think it could be extremely refreshing.

I have this strange new zest for life that I think is related to my addiction to change and a nomadic lifestyle as well as the fact that,

I am allowing my heart to feel warm again.

Now go listen to Owl City. The boy is a genius of the finest variety.

Laughter

2009-04-20T16:49:00.003-04:00

Is the best medicine. I've been feeling kindof stressed the last few days. I saw this picture and couldn't stop laughing. It's amazing how laughter shakes weights off of you you didn't know you were carrying. I hope it at least makes you smile :)

see more dog and puppy pictures

I'm Tired of Whining

2009-04-16T00:38:00.002-04:00

It really does get you nowhere, and I'm pretty sure it actually decreases the chances that you'll do anything about whatever it is that you happen to be whining about. Sadly, I'm not talking about someone at work (that would be whining, too). I'm talking about me.

I complain too much. I am ungrateful too much. I take things for granted way too much.

And I don't want to anymore.

It's time to be thankful each and everyday. It's time to realize that I am blessed beyond belief: That I am beloved, that I am lucky to be the child of a G-D who is 'especially fond of me' and whose love I am incapable of comprehending.

I just finished reading 'The Shack". My dad is teaching a sunday school class on it back at our church in Michigan, and he and my mom have been bugging me t

o read it for about a month now, so when he handed me a free copy for my own while I was

home for Easter weekend, I finally caved in. I'm very glad I did. It took a little while to get in to, but it has been a long time since I have read a more refreshing view of G-D and our relationship with Him and each other. It really hit me in a way that a book hasn't in awhile. I would even say I was blessed to have read it. I highly recommend it. Allow it to make you a lover again.

I just want to be a lover.

I really want to be a part of a community again. Of lovers of course.

I miss all of you.

Frustration, Determination, Inspiration, Motivation, etc

2009-03-20T22:30:00.002-04:00

Hey Everyone,

I realized I've been on kind of a hiatus from blogging the last couple months. I apologize. I guess I've just been busy with a lot of different other distractions and never felt like taking the time to write out my thoughts.

A Lot has happened since my last update- here's a quick recap...

With Walking Trees:

Found a bassist, a lead, and a rhythm guitarist for the lineup! ...Still looking for drums.

Finished recording our five song debut EP titled 'Like a Feather, Like a Fox'. (You can check it out here.)

Album artwork is almost finished for the album and it is 'in process' to be on iTunes, Amazonmp3 and many other digital distributors!

Other:

Still working at Beni's pizza and living in Cleona, PA.

My parents came to visit last week and it was good to see them. My mom cooked lots of wonderful food.

Although they are 'supportive' of my musical pursuits, I can tell that they have a largeamount of doubt about them, especially due to my 'genre of choice'.

I bought a rat. Her name is Quin, and she's awesome.

So, things are coming along, but much too slowly for my liking. As usual. My bassist has been gone for the past couple weeks, as well as my lead guitarist which has been exceptionally frustrating. My rhythm guitarist is in Michigan until late May and we don't have a drummer. I spend a lot of my time sitting around wishing I was able to be practicing and writing new material with the other guys, auditioning drummers etc but it just hasn't been coming together as I wish it would.

I want so badly to be giving this my everything, and it's very frustrating to not be able to... yet. I often lose hope in the whole thing, and for brief moments think that I should go back to college or just give up music all together. Then I am inspired by something to keep going, and this reinforces my motivation. I love making music. I love performing it. I love traveling. This is my dream and I am not giving it up. I seriously cannot wait to be dirty and hungry and cramped in a van with a bunch of sweaty dudes driving all over the country to play shows to people that have probably never heard of us.

It's kind of like finally having all the ingredients to a delicious cake, but knowing that you still have to mix it and then wait for it to cook... and in this case that process is going to take WAY TOO LONG. I want to have my cake and eat it too. Right now. ;) Lord give me patience.

.

2009-01-25T23:37:00.000-05:00

I feel very alone right now.

If I could tame a wild animal

2009-01-25T16:49:00.001-05:00

Hawk posing by Scot Campbell (Zevotron)

When we acquired Jedidiah, (that's our new Red Tailed Hawk's name), life went from pretty good to awesome like whoa. We don't have to use UPS anymore as he carries all our mail and packages for us. He also rips the eyes out of anyone that even thinks of doing us harm. Our yard is now fully pest free, as he preys on whatever roams there. He's a great listener, and is getting me way more women than I ever could have dreamed. Just walk up to any woman at a bar, show her the slashes on your arms and say, "Man, Jedidiah our Red Tailed Hawk was really playing rough today. Almost had to go to the hospital if it wasn't for our Pheonix, Ezekiel, who was kind enough to shed some tears on me and fully restore my mangled limbs." She'll be all up ons. Trust me. Works. every. time.

When I realized I was a grown-up

2009-01-24T15:05:00.001-05:00

Half of the time I'm not sure I ever want to get there. The other half of the time I am relatively saddened that I can never go back to before I was. I think it was when I realized that I had actually dropped out of college of my own doing and that everything else about to occur in my life was now up to me.

Why my hip-hop posse would include Siggy

2009-01-23T17:10:00.001-05:00

Siggy
He's got those crazy-mad-white-boy skillllllllzzzz. And knows how to rock dat CMC Hoodie.

Children Dressing In Our Parents' Clothes

2009-01-16T00:53:00.003-05:00

It's been a few days. I have succeeded in being extremely good at distracting myself from doing anything connected with my future by being completely absorbed in watching all 4 seasons of The Office when not working my extremely boring and increasingly irritating job. I'll have the first 10 episodes of the 5th in about 2 hours. What the heck am I doing.

I'm beginning to have trouble sleeping again, which is partly why I have been able to watch so much screen lately. If I remember correctly, this is almost the exact same thing that happened near the end of my stay in California, when I watched all 4 seasons of LOST in less than a week, which was as impressive as it was extremely lame. (My actions, not the show). Based on the evidence so far, a lack of sleep and addiction to a TV show is either a sign that I should be moving on soon, or is a result of the fact that I have 'moving on soon' on the mind. Either way, in this case both are probably true.

I am losing my comfort with being in this place. For awhile I was extremely comfortable being here, working the job that I still have, frequenting the bar that I used to frequent and living in this town. Now I have become too comfortable, and this makes me quite uncomfortable, if that makes any sense. When I've been in a place for too long I begin to become numb and apathetic about ever moving on or changing; and this worries me. In fact, it worries me, albeit subconsciously, to the point where I begin to lose large amounts of sleep over the issue, as is the current scenario. At least this time I have a general idea of where I want to go, and it is nowhere near as far away from my current geographic location as last time.

I would quit my job and move to Lancaster tomorrow if money were not the stupid thing that it is. I just can't afford it until I have a roommate AND a job already lined up to go into. Not too mention the recording that is costing me a much larger percentage of my savings than I'm comfortable with.

'Such is the life of an artist'. I would love to feel justified saying that, but as I don't even have a single band member besides myself, and haven't played a show since the Vineyard I feel it would be a tad pretentious. Not to mention that my musical abilities are self-rated very far below the level of 'artist', and as selfish as it is, that's who I'm doing it for anyway: Me. Hopefully the desire was placed in me by G-d and will lead to something worthy of glorifying Him, because I'm spending an awful lot of time and energy on pursuing my 'dreams' in the assumption that it was.

LORD have mercy.

The Office and... stuff.

2009-01-12T00:32:00.004-05:00

I've been watching, admittedly, far too much of 'The Office' recently. Partly, I think this is because my subconscious knows I have some really difficult decisions to deal with and that I'm not ready to yet. So I intentionally do things to keep my mind completely off of... my mind. I went and picked up my pills from lancaster today. Hopefully my emotional state will be back to normal in a couple of days. It's one of the most frustrating things in the world to have to take a pill to keep your hormone levels in the correct balance so that you don't want- to not want -anything all the time. (That was supposed to describe a general lack of motivation or desire).

Anyway, I've been 'learning' things that I wasn't expecting to from The Office, mainly about love, I guess. I realize that its a TV show and that Hollywood is one of the greatest culprits in distorting our culture's view on that subject and what it means, but putting that aside, I feel that I still have been learning something. But I'm not quite sure what it is yet. I think part of it is about patience, and longing, and hurt, and the passage of time, and the fact that I really wish I had a girl in my life, and how just when you think you are over something, you will realize that it is still there in the back of your mind... among other things.

I tend to blog much more when I'm depressed. I'm terribly depressed right now. Nothing is going anywhere fast and I am extremely impatient. I need to quit my job, it's bringing me down. I need to get out of this small town, it's bringing me down. I need to meet some people and make some more friends. The lack of them is bringing me down. I want some band members. Just a couple. PLEASE? All I want to do is record a record and go on tour and keep doing it forever and ever and ever while I get paid to, is that to much to ask? Yes, probably it's biting off way more piece of pie than I was ever supposed to have. Perhaps my mouth wasn't made that big. And if it wasn't would You please tell me NOW BECAUSE WAITING IS FUCKING KILLING ME AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE MEASUREMENTS.

Side Note:

Ranting in a blog barely anyone reads is probably one of the most attractive things a young 22 year old man can do. It shows his maturity level to be so beyond that of his peers that it makes even Mahatma Gandhi's look microscopic in comparison. In fact, if one wishes for countless females to fall immediately in love with him, all he need do is to post said rant on a blog of his choosing, generally dealing with themes of depression, angst, disillusionment and hopelessness, along with his phone number and AIM screen name online. Then he should post the URL link to this blog in as many public places online as could possibly be thought of, but in case of a time constraint, Facebook and Myspace will do. Once these two steps have been completed, all said young man must do is sit back and wait for his phone to ring off the hook.*

* Please note that this is a turn of phrase and in no sense literal, as most young females no longer use phones with actual lines and receivers and will probably just send you a text, facebook message, or IM in the event that they truly wish to get in contact with you. If one of these females does try contacting you and realizes that you have a landline and a physical answering machine, you might as well castrate yourself because you will never find a mate willing to bear your children. If this went too far, so be it.

If you read all of this, I'm very sorry.

Citolopram

2009-01-10T21:40:00.003-05:00

On Tuesday, I left my anti-depressant medication in the bathroom of my friend Jon's house who lives 45 minutes away. It generally takes about 4 or 5 days (in my experience) for your body to realize that it isn't getting the pills anymore and so you don't feel any different until then. Today is Saturday.

Today. Sucked.

The Summer of The Soul In December

2008-12-25T22:26:00.003-05:00

My family just finished watching our traditional Christmas Day movie, 'The Muppets' Christmas Carol". I think that I am finally willing to admit that it is officially my favorite movie of all time.

It's got some of the best songs, lyrically and musically, of any movie in the past century, and it's absolutely wonderfully scripted. It makes me feel all warm inside every time I watch it, anyway, and makes me want to do good will to all men and spread Christmas cheer haha.

Anyway, I just wanted to sign on to wish everyone a very merry Christmas. I've had a wonderful one this year and I hope that you and yours did as well. G-D bless us, every one.

Amen.

An Essay For The Seekers of Themselves

2008-12-10T01:58:00.000-05:00

Dear us,

Allow me to introduce myself and in the process possibly describe some of the issues you may be dealing with yourselves. This is in no way complete, nor is it meant to be, nor will it ever be. It is a sliver in time and person of this fluid, ever-changing soul that was named Benjamin David Brown upon its birth and will be converted to dust upon its death and will never claim sanity in between. At the moment it thinks it would like to be called Jedidiah, instead. It’s a pleasure to meet you, wanderer. I am about to share things that I don’t even want to admit to myself. Be merciful and of good grace.

I am multi-faceted. My moods change more than the weather. Music defines me. It explains how I feel, where I am at mentally, spiritually, physically, where I am going.

Right now I feel as though I am at a crossroads. As if I must choose one of the many paths before me. But I want to take them all at once. There are too many experiences to have, places to go, people to love, and things to do all in this short time span allotted to me as my lifetime. I want to be a wondering vagabond, playing folk music and growing a beard and drinking beer with the company of a few good friends around a fire in a cabin in the woods. I want to be a rock star, screaming my heart out to packed out venues full of energy and life and lights and overwhelming noise: To travel in a van with several good friends living in the moment and experiencing the dusty roads and cheap hotels and hole-in-the-wall restaurants of America. I want to help people, but I don’t know how. I want to help myself, but I don’t know where to begin. I want to join a social movement and be a revolutionary, but I am caught up in the consumerism and fashion and technology of our society. I want to be a real follower of Jesus but I am caught up in my selfishness and lack of discipline, love and faith.

I am in the process of rediscovering myself: Of tearing away at all the different layers I have pulled upon myself so that when I look in the mirror, I can see myself finally naked and bare, in my true colors and light. I thought I was a missionary. I thought I was a hip-hopper. I thought I was a scholar. I thought I was a hippie. I thought I was a lover. I thought I was a rock musician. I thought I was fashionable. I thought I was current. I thought I was a fool.

I know I am wandering. I know I am kind. I know I have my beliefs and values… somewhere. I know they are often stereotypical and unfounded on anything more than what I find to be fashionable for whomever kind of person I seem to think I am. I am realizing that I do not fit any of their molds. I am realizing that I do not fit any of your molds. I am realizing that I do not really believe that the molds exist. The round holes are in my imagination. There is nowhere to actually fit in to. There is only acceptance to lie down in if you are lucky enough to find it. I am hoping to find it. If you would like to offer it up, I will gladly take it from you. It is better to give than to receive, but it is a blessing and a discipline to learn to accept what you do not deserve. I am realizing that I do not deserve much, and only possess what I do by grace. As Joe Pug so wonderfully sings, “Oh they say I come with less, than I should rightfully possess. I say, ‘the more I buy the more I’m bought. And the more I’m bought the less I cost.’”

I am constantly telling myself that I need to simplify my life. And yet everything I seem to do ends up being almost directly counterintuitive to that goal. I am caught up with the scene: of being hip to what is the latest, the coolest, most fashionable way to be perceived. I am realizing that as much as I give a shit, that I don’t give a shit. I am realizing that most of what I do is done out of laziness or out of fear, and often of both intermixed. I am a coward and a hypocrite. I contradict myself and who I believe I am on a regularly, hourly basis. You might not know it, but I am a mess. I am beginning to embrace that mess of humanity. If you think you have it all figured out, I’m sorry to say you’re more lost than the rest of us. Wisdom is realizing you know nothing. I’m not saying I’m wise, but I certainly know nothing. Every time I think I’ve got something down, there goes father time showing me I’m wrong again. Is it worth regretting all the times you were so sure of something that you no longer believe to be true? Or is the fact that you were, for once in your life, convicted of something worth celebrating as a tribute to the resilience of humanity against the face of all odds? Is the fact that you are sure that you aren’t sure a sign of hope or desperation? I will call it hope. For it’s all I have at the moment.

How do I integrate my love for technology and the ability to communicate with others all over the globe almost instantly with my desire to be a simple, minimalist, Hippie? I don’t know. Perhaps I never will. I know that for now I am erring on the side of technology and modernism. I often wish that all my material possessions would be stripped from me against my will and that I would have to learn to do without. You see, I lack the strength to give them up all on my own. The more I buy the more I am bought. I wish to be free. Free from the slavery that is consumerism, that is image, that is idolatry. I am so fucking concerned with my image: what my image says about my political beliefs, my spiritual belief, and my social beliefs, my musical preferences, my subculture of choice. Perhaps this is just a misconstrued desire to be understood and to be known by others, just like this essay. I sit up alone at night in front of my computer screen longing to have love and give love and experience love in reality, while searching the facades put up by those I wish I knew on social networking sites in place of going out and living the real thing. “It costs a lot to look this cheap”.

I often find wit more appealing than sincerity, but I know that underneath my skin I truly value the sincerity. Wit makes you look cool, up to date, smart and attractive. Sincerity makes you look vulnerable, weak, and undesirable. It’s too tied up with honesty that our society wants nearly nothing to do with it. Oh, we gladly voice our uninformed opinions. We just never voice ourselves. I want to break this cycle within myself. I want to confront my lack of direction and embrace it. I am going nowhere fast and everywhere all at once. When I am finally untangled, I will have breathed my last long before.

I am realizing that I often take myself too seriously. I also often take myself too jokingly.

But should we be laughing or weeping? I’m almost never sure, and usually doing the wrong one at all the incorrect times. Is there a sacredness that should not be touched, should not be defiled, should not even be looked upon? Can such a thing exist? Or did it exist before we fucked it up in our desire to make it ‘better’, more to our liking, more like us? After we weep will we laugh? Is there anything to do but laugh at the fact that there is so much weeping all around us? Perhaps we subconsciously but all too purposefully place less meaning on things than they actually should possess so that we do not become so entangled in the over bearing regret of all the extremely important things that we’ve ruined in our humanity- our relationships, our personalities, our innocence, our hope and faith.

Embrace your brokenness, it might be the only thing you have. Be content with your seeking. Don’t stop seeking. Realize that you will most likely never come to a solidified conclusion and embrace that journey without a destination. It is your home. Live there, in the present, in the search, in the hunt for something that you don’t understand and that you do not even begin to comprehend. If you seek you will find, but you almost never happen upon what you started out looking for. It’s far more mysterious and beautiful than that. This is what I’ve discovered. It is when you are most lonely that you will realize that you are not alone. It is when you are completely crazy that you will realize that you are more sane than you have ever been.

I, for one, am at the edge of my rope. I have been here for quite some time. I am dangling with one hand clenched to what I have always known. But I am learning that it is ok to let go. I am where, for the majority of my life, I was scared I’d end up. And now that I am here, I’m singing. Admittedly softly, under my breath, still afraid to let it out loud, in case I notice it and hush myself, “Let your self go. Be free. You are at the cliff and you must jump. You must fly. And if you do not, the fall is long enough for you to learn how on your way down. Don’t you see? We are at the bottom. Embrace uncertainty.”

My sister recently wrote a poem that spoke about her self as a candle whose flame is being blown in the wind and not wanting her light to go out. The end of the poem read, “But I say bring on the storm, cuz I’m a trick candle and I’m not letting this go.” I loved that line. It inspired me. And that’s how I’ve felt recently. I almost sadistically want to be tossed and thrown about in the winds of this world so that I can be weathered and prepared by them, arising soiled, bruised and windswept but stronger, wiser, more ready… Sometimes. A lot of the other times I want to crawl into my warm bed and let ignorance be bliss. And recently, I want to crawl into a silent corner and sob for everything- for everyone, for myself, for Jesus, for the world. And as much as I may want to, I cannot. I am a failure at crying. This fact alone makes me want to cry all the more.

I had a tear roll down my cheek today. It was around 2am and I was reading one of my dad’s sermons that he always emails out to us and that I shamefully always forget to read until I clean out my inbox once every 6 months. But his sermon was about silence, and listening for G-D. In the middle he did a ‘centering prayer’ in which the congregation was supposed to sit silently and meditate on the presence of G-D surrounding and enveloping them. And so I did.

And I felt the rushing of the world coming to me all at once like a flame that does not burn but warms, and flows like a silent, roaring ocean. I let it consume me as I remembered a picture on my Grammy’s wall that I noticed for the first time over this Thanksgiving. It’s a painting of a young man in a t-shirt and jeans holding a hammer and a nail, almost fainting from the fatigue caused by his grief and agony over what he has done. And behind him, holding him up and loving on him is Jesus the Crucified -The hands of the Savior holding up the very arms that put their holes in them. And a tear rolled quietly down my cheek onto the edge of my lip.

I had forgotten that they were so salty, tears. I had forgotten my forgiveness. I had forgotten my grace. And as the memory of the taste of the different tears I’ve cried throughout my life flooded my mind, so did the memory of the blood that washed away my transgressions, past present and future. I was so ready to sob until I fell asleep, allowing the ocean of once-dammed tears to re-baptize my reckless and ornery personality into something clean and new that I wouldn’t shudder over each time I saw it’s resemblance…

And I couldn’t. I was granted the gift of one precious tear. If I had known that I would only be given one, perhaps I would have savored it differently, not wiping it away so quickly but allowing it to grace my cheek for awhile longer, a sign that Yes, I can feel. Yes, I am still here. Beneath all the show and the masks and the costumes and the layers so piled on that I am often numb to everything, I do exist. But how I long to be broken, wide open and gushing! Set free to be myself. But, what are you to do when the only thing that it seems there is to do fails you? Wait, I guess. So here I sit, waiting.

I’ve tried praying recently. I usually fail. I wish I could. I actually sometimes pray that I would be able to pray. I don’t think I know how anymore. I used to know, or thought I did. I used to not be so arrogant and prideful that I was able to vulnerably open myself up and speak to the Almighty. Or perhaps it is a newfound humbleness that puts in me a fear of even approaching the Creator of my existence. I know the textbook answers to this problem. I went to a Christian college. I am a pastor and missionary’s son. You can talk about it all you want and explain it in all the best of ways, but it doesn’t make sense until you feel it. And this is a problem of mine. I am controlled by my emotions. I am a FEELING. And most of the time, that feeling is nothing. Absolutely. Nothing. I am getting better at allowing it to be something. But it is hard. And it hurts. But pain is better than feeling nothing at all. And it is a necessary step in the healing process.

I don’t even know why I am writing this. Perhaps it’s helping me sort through things. Perhaps it’s because I have a newfound goal of lucidity and transparency and this is helping me feel that I am in someway doing something to achieve that goal. However, if you’ve read this far I congratulate you. As you may be able to guess there is absolutely no structure to this essay. It is not thought out and then written down. It is written as immediately as it is thought. And it is therefore more confusing, and also more true to myself. Unless you have a similar personality to mine, upon reading a lot of this you will become what they call ‘worried about me’. Please worry about yourself. Pray for me, but worry about yourself. I’ll make it through.

As I said, I’m a trick candle, and it’s almost always been this way. I am not currently going through a major storm in my life. I am explaining the constant storm that has surrounded my inner life since I can remember actually thinking about things. It’s windy in here. Don’t worry, I’m used to it and I have a lot of coats – enough so that when you come to visit me, we can both be warm. When I figure out how to build a fire, the storm will have stopped and it will all have been worth it. I’ll have a fire! Then we can make coffee and talk about the good old days while I smoke cigarettes and lie in the grass underneath the sun of a thousand oak trees whispering into the silent hurricane, “All is calm. All is bright”. It’s deafening when you hug me that loudly, Jesus. Make my ears bleed.

Love,

Benjamin

Becoming

2008-12-09T00:36:00.002-05:00

I'm working on an essay of sorts that I will be posting here in the next little bit. I'm writing it for myself, but I thought it might give you an insight into who I am and who I am becoming. I'm beginning to accept that we are not static. I'm also beginning to accept that I'm an ole softy and a pushover. Point in case, I love this picture. I hope it makes you smile.

It's been forever and two days

2008-11-30T23:19:00.002-05:00

Since I last wrote in here. Everything is changing. And some things are going back to the way they were with a new twist. Life is a crazy journey. I'm always traveling. I got an uneasy feeling that wouldn't go away about 2 weeks ago. Then I realized that I was going stir-crazy because I have lived here in Cleona for over 3 months now. Nothing if you've lived in the same place your whole life. An eternity if you haven't ever called a place home. Touring will be probably be good for me if it ever materializes. I have also discovered that I am a very 'mood influenced' person. For example, I just lost the motivation to finish this post. I'll post some more tomorrow.

New York, New York : Delanco, New Jersey

2008-03-13T15:10:00.003-04:00

Tonite: My 3rd featured performance at a CMC Live. On the set list:

'Smile' =1 sad acoustic song by me

'Black Fish' = 1 sad electronica/ Radiohead-ish song by me

'Bleed it Out' = by Linkin Park featuring Siggy! on guest rap vox.

'Killing in the Name Of' = by Rage Against the Machine featuring me swearing my guts out to a room crowded with Christians (including me).

Love it.

Tomorrow:

LEAVE FOR NYC.

2 1/2 days of Freedom, Fun and Tourism.
2 days of Meetings and Serious-ness
One afternoon on MTV TRL from Times Square...

I don't know whether to be excited or disgusted by this last one, haha.

Ok I admit it I'm excited in a super nerdy way.

At least I'm already disillusioned with MTV and the media. ;)

March 20th:

Take the train to Delanco, NJ to see Sarah for spring break!

I Can't Wait for any of it.

...This also means I will have phone reception for the next 2 weeks ! Amazing!

So my friends, until after the 23rd, I say, Adieu.

Pressing On

2008-03-04T19:25:00.003-05:00

We're about half way through the semester now. Its only 1 1/2 weeks to our road trip to New York City. Our professors keep telling us life is about to kick into high gear here. Things are supposed to get more intense than ever before. I'm admittedly excited to be ridiculously stressed and strung out for the next 6 weeks. The reasons for this continue to evade me, really, but I guess that's alright. At the moment I just wish I could get over this stupid head cold thats been invading my life for about a week now. I'm sure most of the other students here would enjoy relief from that as well. A good 70% of us are sick with some sort of illness at the moment.

I think my songwriting is improving, slowly but surely. I usually can't tell if its just dumb luck or some sort of skill developing when I end up writing a verse or a a chorus or even a whole song that actually has some sort of quality to it. I ended up writing a Radiohead-ish song for this last Monday, which was weird for me. It's not too shabby of a song though. Not sure if it fits my intended genre really, but thats not the most important thing in the world for me right now.

Tom has opened my eyes in the last couple of weeks to a whole area of music that I've been neglecting in my listening. I can't believe how I was able to ignore The Who and The Doors and Led Zeppelin for my teenage years. I feel like I have a right to be angry at my parents for neglecting and abusing me as a child by not playing these records at the home. I'm pretty sure they are what I am going to raise my kids on. So, if you read this, and you don't listen to those bands, go buy 'Tommy' by The Who.

"It will set you free."

2nd CMC LIVE

2008-02-28T17:00:00.003-05:00

A week ago today I think I gave the best live performance of my life. Definitely as far as theatrics are concerned. I still need to go get the pictures and video from the computers in the Lodge onto my own computer so I can put them up. Some of them are pretty cool. I wore all purple and black with a purple bandana around my neck haha. Oh, and I straightened my hair so I could shake it around. I had an awesome time. It helped me to confirm that this is what I want to do.

I don't have much else to say. A.I.R.'s play tonight. I don't have to do anything so it should be quite relaxing for me. I hear its supposed to be a 'coffee shop' atmosphere, so I may be in charge of the coffee, but thats pretty easy.

Peace

The Rain.

2008-02-18T23:48:00.002-05:00

So my thoughts about coming out of the rainstorm were certainly premature when looking back at the last few days. We certainly went through a lot of trauma and soul searching here on the island. There were quite a few extremely low points. Morale was low and there was a general funk over the whole place. Most of our time in Boston was spent individually worrying about all the time we were wasting instead of practicing while collectively trying to fake having fun with everyone else.

Today we had basically 4 hours of talks with everyone and the professors about what the different problems are and just trying to get to the bottom of issues. There were a lot of different issues that needed to be addressed and they finally were brought up.

I feel a lot better about a lot of things.

Tomorrow, however, may be a completely different story.

I know that my set is not as ready as it should be.

Sigh.

Surviving Masters

2008-02-13T19:20:00.002-05:00

I realize its been a little while since I last updated in this hurr thang. My apologies.

However, I'm not sorry. Apologies are a formality.

Anyway, we had to make 'official' recordings for this last Monday. They're called masters although its only one song. (Mastering usually refers to a whole album).

So, we all spent a huge load of time in the recording studios tracking and mixing and all that jazz. It was amazingly stressful. Fun, but stressful considering the short amount of time we had to get everything done.

I had about 5 total hours to track everything with no rehearsals beforehand. Then I was up for ever trying to mix it. That didn't work out so well.

The next morning I turned it in with all the others and we listened to them in class while the professors made comments about how bad they were.

They shredded them to pieces.

It was rather depressing.

Then we took the last two days to regroup ourselves basically.

I'm still fired up about music. Or rather, re-fired. It was being rained on for a little while, but I think the flame is growing again.

Trip to Boston coming up on Friday. I'm excited to be off this island.

Peace.

Post First Show

2008-02-03T14:26:00.000-05:00

Well, its over and we survived. I think for a first performance it was actually pretty good. I definitely didn't like the way my screaming was mic'd, and there were some other technical difficulties, but I think the band did its part quite well. I've discovered I stand basically the exact same during an entire performance, which I should probably mix up. My face also isn't very emotional when I scream, apparently (from watching the video of the show).

I'd really like it if I could have a mic with a cord so I could play around with it. (Yeah, mics are for singing AND swinging.) I hate singing into a mic stand. It makes you feel stuck and I think I should be moving around quite a bit since my music is (hopefully) energetic.

I'm definitely growing. By the end of the semester I probably won't recognize myself on stage.

Here are some pics ya'll. (There'd be more but they won't loooooaaad).

Pre-First Show

2008-01-30T14:20:00.000-05:00

Its about 31 hours until my first CMC Live performance tomorrow. I'll be performing a cover of Underoath's 'A Boy Brushed Red Living in Black and White' as well as an original song of mine called 'At the Diner (For Toast and Torture)'. I'm pretty excited (and nervous) about it. It'll be my first 'real' performance which I've had rehearsals and everything for. There'll be a smoke machine and a million lights, full EQ'd P.A. and everything a huge venue would have. (Except for the thousands of people. My audience will be about 25.) Final rehearsals in a couple hours and then there's sound-check tomorrow afternoon.

Today in class we learned all about the wonders of Photoshop. Or, 'how to make absolutely anyone look absolutely amazing using technology'. Whether its moral or not is still up for debate. Let's just say that I will be looking the best (and most unrealistic) I ever have in my press kit photos that we're shooting next week for promo purposes.

Besides that, you should probably go out and buy this album right now.

Dance Gavin Dance + Downtown Battle Mountain

(pictured above)

In Musicality,

Ben

End of 2nd Week

2008-01-27T13:12:00.000-05:00

So, I lied. I said I'd post every week. It's been 11 days or something. Snap, son.

I had already written this exact same entry yesterday. But I forgot to post it and closed the window. It was angering.

So, news:

I'm no longer sick which is a good thing.
So far I'm doing alright on getting a song a week written. In fact, I have written 3+ songs in these two-ish weeks. (yes, even i'm impressed)
I'm having trouble sticking to a specific genre. I've written a pop punk song, a folk song, a techno-core screamo song and half a hardcore song so far this semester. It's killing me. I'll probably have to start 3 different bands like that dude from Head Automatica.
Yesterday I screamed for around 2 straight hours. I'm definitely building up my throat-chops.
I've met several people I would LOVE to have in my band.

I continually ride a wave of extreme excitement and then apprehension about my musical career and pursuits. I should probably write some songs about it.

Above many other things I am constantly learning that, except for when reading contracts and other such lawyerish documents, SIMPLICITY. SIMPLICITY.

EVERY. SINGLE. SONG. THAT WAS EVER ANY GOOD. IS. SIMPLE.

it can sound as complicated as you want it to. but the form and structure are always. simple.

make music not war.

-Ben

First Few Days

2008-01-15T19:20:00.000-05:00

I've been at the CMC campus on Martha's Vineyard now for almost 4 days. All 4 of those days I have been as sick as a dog with a fever, sore throat and runny nose. I also have poison ivy in between the fingers on my right hand. So far, I have been completely miserable physically. Thankfully, its been much better in every other regard. I was even able to pull off a sing/scream performance last night with my terrible throat. Of course, I can't even talk today. Hopefully it was worth it. I have very little idea how I did. I couldn't really hear the monitors at all, but others have said I did pretty well. Noone else here is a screamer, or really very much into that music at all, so there aren't very many good judges of the genre.
Things aren't too busy yet, but I can tell that they are going to become quit hectic once everything starts rolling.
The dorm rooms are quite small. We have six people in ours and its only slightly bigger than my old room in Guffin. It kind of feels like camp. My roommates and I get along quite well so far. Lets hope that continues.
All in all, I'm hopeful and excited about this semester as it begins. As soon as I'm healthy we'll really see how things are going to be. The biggest pressure i'll have is writing a new song every single week of the semester which I'm sure is going to be tough what with everything else going on.
Pictures to come.
More later, d00ds.

-Ben

Greetings.

2008-01-01T23:56:00.000-05:00

Hi.
Welcome to my blog about the Contemporary Music Center. As you can already tell, its going to be an absolutely amazing read. Gripping, even. I'll try and update once a week after the semester starts... Two weeks from now.
That's all.
Love ya.